Tag: adhd women challenges

“They always ask me, whatever happened to Nina?” she says. I can’t read her poker face. Does she ask that too? Was she embarrassed to have been friends with me? Is she genuinely concerned? Was I overthinking it (again)?

The conversation happened in a coffee shop maybe two to three years after we met, but probably six or seven years ago now. 

I showed up with some “crazy” story to tell, and she was telling me about her job, her sister, her friends. I couldn’t see the difference between us and to be honest, sometimes I still can’t. True, I hadn’t pursued any of the things I had loudly expressed interest in, and I kept having ridiculous relationships, and hapless vehicle repair misadventures, and dramas about finding new apartments.

And yes, I was just taking class after class after class, collecting more college credits than anyone needs, when my peers were graduating and starting careers. I thought, well, that is just life. Sometimes you end up in weird places. Sometimes you get stuck in a loop.

These were the kinds of situations that spelled the end of friendships over and over again in my twenties, though. I was starting to catch on, and get defensive.

There was something about me that people found puzzling. Something that didn’t add up. 

I wanted to reply flippantly, just tell them I died! I had already backed way off on my social media presence anyway, and had started to give up on maintaining the illusion of progress in life (as I understood the concept at the time).

Instead, I think I said something lackluster like, I went nowhere or I’m just here. 

The question of what happened to Nina holds very little emotional weight for me now, but for a long time it burned and burned and burned in my mind. I couldn’t figure out what was “wrong” with me? How was I different?

I think the question came to represent the thing I couldn’t name, the thing which is being almost fine, almost normal. Why are you making such a big deal about everything, anyway? Everyone struggles, everyone goes through rough patches.

Yes, but still. Something felt off. I quietly reconciled myself to a life of being secretly broken. Maybe I seemed fine enough on the outside, but I knew the truth. I knew I needed to stay in my little box or bad things would happen.

That question doesn’t haunt me anymore, and I don’t think I’m hiding in a box now (though everything in my life feels crazy again, and sometimes I do fantasize about crawling back in the box).

I also feel very little now about all the friendships that I couldn’t maintain. Maybe that’s the medication finally giving me some peace from the endless blooper reel, but I think there is also a distance between me and the young woman I was once. 

She was valiantly masking (a term she did not know then), trying to cultivate both a professional persona, and a fun, social one. She was sure she just hadn’t met the right people yet. She kept trying and succeeding in making friends and having adventures, but it always fell apart. She Googled things like how to make friends, how to look normal, and followed the tips. For a while, she even had some success asking herself, “how would someone who was loved and supported react?” and then trying to behave accordingly.

That young woman also had a bit of an alcohol problem for a while, but that’s a different story. I don’t recognize myself in her anymore.

So what has changed? And what was the big mystery?

ADHD. It’s ADHD. And anxiety and AuDHD, and whatever else. It’s a big basket of officially diagnosed weird. It’s neurodivergence. 

I could end this with a Hallmark style declaration of how lovely it is to be wired just a little differently. And for all of you young ones, it absolutely is. Most days (now, anyway) I would not trade any of it.

But I guess I’ll end with this:

Whatever happened to Nina? Not a damn thing! An older version of her is still out here scheming and dreaming and she doesn’t have to be defined by the things she didn’t accomplish.